I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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