one two three fourrrrnication!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
