I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
