alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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