he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The feeling are messing with the penis
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
