i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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