I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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