it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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