i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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