Sober January is a disaster.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
