I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
