What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
