Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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