she's into porn, im staying here tonight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
