i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
