We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
