Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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