Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
