I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
