how can u be prego again
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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