also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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