I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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