Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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