i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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