In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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