like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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