White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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