his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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