i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
