Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
