i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
