is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
