In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
