theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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