two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
