No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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