90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize