Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
