I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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