is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
