remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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