I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
