No stitches, just platelets and will power
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize