If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
What drink are we having for lunch?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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