K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
