I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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