Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish I only lived at night.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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