The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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