and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
