I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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