Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize