epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
