I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
