so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
