I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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