i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
