Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize