1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
