she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I am available for nakedness
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
