just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
should my penis look like a turkey
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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