Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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