shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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